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"Ah, fuck it," Shepard said. He blinked when he realized his phrasology, and chuckled. "It seems like a sweet deal, and ANYTHING is better than people getting killed in a war. What's there to lose?"
"The Quarian's virginity, for one," the Alamandan teased, Tali brushing brightly enough that it could be seen through her visor. Garrus nudged her playfully.
Commander Shepard shook his head. He looked to his crewmates, who all gave various indications of assent. Commander Shepard turned back to the avatar, and said, "We agree to do the porno."
"Nice," the avatar said. "Couple things before we start: Everyone on the ship will be asked to be having sex, and will appear on camera, however most of you will just be appearing in the background. The star of the video will obviously be you, Commander
"Heckuva resume you're getting, Commander. War hero, Spectre, porn star..." Garrus teased, grinning.
The Alamandan smirked. "Anyway, the main moments of the video will be focusing on you and the members of your away team, the ones that follow you and shoot guns with you, I mean. You'll also be doing scenes with more prominent members of your crew, such
as Yeoman Chambers, Dr. Chakwas, and your pilot, Joker. And yes, we will be curing his brittle bone disease beforehand," he said.
Shepard rubbed his temples. "This is gonna take some getting used to," he said. "It's weird enough that you're turning me into a girl."
"Technically, we're giving you the ability to turn yourself into a girl and back again. We're also working out a way for the grand finale of the video to be you having sex with your female self," the avatar said. "Failing that, a giant orgy will suffice."
"Shepard-ception," Joker teased, referencing an old movie. Only a couple of the crewmembers laughed.
"Great," Shepard said. "Even weirder. Anything else I should know?"
"If one of your crewmates gets you pregnant, you won't be able to change back until you have the baby," the avatar said. "Otherwise, you won't have to worry about allergic reactions when dealing with different species. So when you're giving the Turian
head, don't be afraid to swallow."
Mild chuckles were had amongst the crew as they tried to imagine Shepard female and pregnant. Garrus, meanwhile, was blushing profusely. Shepard himself was wishing for a drink.
The avatar grinned. "While we'll alter EDI's body to be able to have sex, we won't add the ability to get pregnant until after the movie, as I'm assuming that she'll probably want to have Joker's baby first."
EDI nodded. "You assume correctly," she said, bluntly stating her feelings. "While I admit to being fond of the Commander and finding him attractive, I have a stronger emotional bond with Joker. If I am to become a mother, I want him to be the father
Joker blushed, grinning widely. Jacob chuckled and gently patted him on the shoulder.
Shepard grinned. This was a MUCH more pleasant topic than strategies against the Reapers.
The avatar seemed pleased by all this. "Anyway, because we want this to be a good video and have at least some substance to it, we'd like Shepard to romance everyone on a list we're sending him. It'll take a while to get to our planet, even through the
Mass Relay, so you'll have plenty of time. Several sub-avatars will make the physical adjustments to all of you that will allow you to safely participate in the movie. And in case you're worried about it, Shepard, don't worry. Every single person on the
Normandy or who has worked for the Normandy and will be rejoining the crew has the hots for you. Including the straight men and homosexual women, both of whom have been cursing the fact that fate gave you a Y-chromosone instead of another X."
Shepard blinked, and turned to his crewmates, the straight men suddenly looking sheepish save for the two Krogan, who just shrugged, smiling a little.
"And Shepard has feelings for all of you. It's why he never tried to pursue a romance, as he was afraid of hurting one of you others," the avatar said.
This time it was Shepard's turn to blush, as the women in the crew felt a new surge of affection for the commander rush through them.
Shepard coughed, and turned back to the avatar. "Is there anything else we need to know?"
The avatar shook his head. "The ship should already have the coordinates in it," he said, Joker immediately checking and finding out that it was true. The avatar nodded, and said, "Make whatever preparations you need, the sub-avatars will meet you inside
when you're ready to go."
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