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((Author's Note: The Shepard in this story is the default male Shepard at 100% Paragon with no romances and no one dead yet, and both Ashley AND Kaiden saved in ME1, with Garrus and Tali not starting a romance.))
"..." was pretty much the collective reaction of every sentient being in the galaxy right now.
The invasion had come. The Reapers had attacked the Earth and everywhere else (but mainly Earth) in full force. It seemed that everyone was doomed.
And then they just... stopped.
Drones didn't move. Husks just stood there, as if waiting for orders. Ships floated in the atmosphere, unmoving.
To say that everyone was confused would be an understatement. Even Cerberus, who planned on exploiting the attack, drew back in confusion.
And then the avatar appeared.
Everyone saw it differently, as it appeared in the shape of a very attractive member of the species of whomever was looking at it, clad in an outfit that left everyone, including several confused VIs, blushing.
And then Javik realized what it was.
"You've got to be kidding me..." he muttered, a smile coming to his face.
"You know what this thing is?" Shepard asked, surprised to see the normally stoic Prothean smiling.
Javik nodded, his expression a mix of incredulity and amusement. "They're called the Alamandan," he said. "They're a race of hedonists who live on a planet that's... well, basically paradise."
Shepard frowned. "Define 'paradise.'"
"A Quarian could take off their suit entirely and not die within five seconds," Javik said.
Tali, to say the least, was interested now. "...Do they have a tourism board? I'm... just curious, is all."
"That's just it," he said, visibly baffled. "They normally are very insular, very much in favor of isolation. The only way they allowed the Protheans onto their world was after they were certain we weren't a threat to their way of life. They had technology
just as advanced as ours, and weaponry that put everything in the galaxy to shame. They wanted nothing to do with anyone and had the firepower to enforce it."
"As our neutralization of the Reapers and their forces should imply," the Alamandan avatar said, quirking an eyebrow in amusement. "Incidentally, if the Cerberus agents do not withdraw their forces from the Reaper ships in total IMMEDIATELY, all 4000 agents,
we will revive the Reapers and increase their strength a thousandfold, and turn our weapons against humanity."
The Illusive Man and his sub-commanders immediately, frantically, began recalling every single trooper they had.
Jack giggled. "I like them already," she said.
"And we've come to like all of you, entities of the Normandy," the Alamandan said. "We normally would stay out of this conflict, however Commander Shepard and his crewmates have caught our attention. We had thought to be the only ones to successfully
repel the Reapers, and yet here you are, making a stand which we fully believe will work and doing something we never thought possible: uniting the races. You meager fledgings have managed to impress us greatly. All rallying around the flag of the Normandy
and its commander."
Commander Shepard frowned. "I'm glad that you're so impressed. But to make this much of a show, I'm guessing you want something."
"Indeed, Commander Shepard. In our study of your cultures, we have come across something... very relevant to our interests," the Alamandan avatar said.
There was a long pause. Shepard frowned, and asked, "...And that would be?"
"PORNOGRAPHY," the Alamandan said. Commander Shepard and Javik both facepalmed, while everyone else just looked confused. The Alamandan avatar chuckled. "We want the crew of the Normandy to come to our planet, who's coordinates will be downloaded into
your ship's system, and make a porno film. The geth and the VI will both be given modifications to experience physical pleasure.
Joker suddenly blushed at the thought, EDI becoming intrigued by the idea.
"In exchange and in addition to removing the Reapers as a threat, we are prepared to make the following offers, to specific crewmembers and in some cases, their entire race: complete healing of the Turian's injuries, aid in completing the cure to the genophage,
a cure for the pilot's brittle bone disease as well as any other diseases that are being a problem in the Council races, a genetic adjustment for the entire Quarian race to allow them to actually take off their suits whenever they want, a way for the geth
to gain the same upgrades that Legion has and become true individuals, allow Miranda Lawson and anyone with her condition to become pregnant, allow the VI member of the crew to become pregnant, give a cure for the disease that's killing the drell assassin,
a way of extending the lifespan of Salarians, a way of undoing the conditions of the Asari Justicar's daughters and any other Asari with that condition... basically, we're going to improve quality of life for pretty much everyone currently involved in the
conflict with the Reapers. All in exchange for the Normandy coming to our lovely planet and having a big ol' orgy that we'll put on several videos and sell."
'Stunned' would be too light a word to describe the state of mind of the Normandy's crew right now. The Alamandan were pretty much handing them everything they could possibly want.
Samara would be able to see her daughters again.
Thane was suddenly realizing that maybe, just maybe, he had a reason to live.
Legion was feeling a strange warmth in his circuits. It took him a minute to realize that it was HOPE.
Tali was suddenly wondering what it would be like to feel the wind on her face, to smell a flower, to feel a lover's touch...
Joker was wondering what it would be like to run, to jump, things he thought he'd never do.
Wrex and Grunt were realizing that this could be the chance that the Krogan were looking for.
Miranda began to imagine her belly swollen with life, an excited grin coming to her face.
Mordin was realizing that not only would his past sin be undone, he could live to see it through.
Commander Shepard thought about everything that was said. He was worried that this was a trap, that his crew was walking into something they wouldn't be able to walk out of. His 'too good to be true' alarms were going off big time. But he could already
hear the reactions of... pretty much everyone in the galaxy if he said no. And he could never deny his crew the hope that they were being offered...
"Oh," the Alamandan said, "One more thing. Commander Shepard, as you are going to be the star, you'll be having the most sex, especially with all the members of your away team. So we'll be giving you the ability to change genders at will."
Commander Shepard gagged. Everyone on the Normandy stared at him, blushing. He facepalmed, and shook his head.
"...How did you even find out about us, anyway?" Commander Shepard asked.
"The oddest thing," the Alamandan said, amused. "This man named Conrad..."
The Alamandan blinked. "You know him?"
"He's..." Shepard hesitated, trying to find a polite way of saying it.
"He's Shepard's lunatic fanboy," Javik explained bluntly.
"Ah, still as big an asshole as you were 50,000 years ago. Nice to see you haven't changed a bit, Javik," the Alamandan avatar said, smiling impishly.
Javik sneered. "Now you know why I'm not fond of artificial intelligences. This one is the jackass of all jackasses, having represented his people even back in my time," he muttered.
The Alamandan chuckled. "Speaking of explaining things, that explains so much about Conrad... Anyway, he clued us into you. He's currently on our planet now, and will welcome you when you arrive. So what do you say, Shepard? If you need a minute to
discuss it, we'll wait. We have all the time in the universe."
Shepard sighed and shook his head, not really believing all this was happening. It was too good to be true, and he didn't trust any of it. But he knew he had to say yes. The opportunity was too great to pass up.
Shepard looked at his crewmates that were in the room with him. Ashley Williams, Garrus Vakarian, Kaiden Alenko, Liara T'Soni, Tali'Zorah, Urdnot Wrex, Grunt, Jack, Jacob Taylor, Kasumi Goto, Legion, Miranda Lawson, Mordin Solus, Samara, Thane Krios, Zaeed
Massani, EDI, Joker, James Vega, and Javik. ALl of them were looking at him expectantly.
He knew he couldn't let them down.
Besides, how many people could say they saved the universe by sex?
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