The Earth was gone. The
planet had not fallen because of the faults of man but because of the
actions of the Zin, an alien race that traveled the galaxy, collecting
the brightest and best of worlds and placing them in virtual
simulations. These simulations
ran from the beautiful and wonderful to the dark and horrifying; it all
depended on Zinyak, leader of the Zin, and his mood. Sometimes he
wished to reward those that aided him in his victories. Other times he
wished to break the minds of his prisoners. And
sometimes he just found the simulations funny.
Humans were either killed in
the blast or captured by the Zin. Only a group of 10 humans had managed
to survive, escaping in a Zin spaceship. Who were these brave men and
women? Were the noble? Were they heroes? Were they the most pure souls
the Earth had?
No. They were the 3rd Row Saints.
Some thought of them as a
street gang. Others as cultural icons. Due to the actions of some they
had become known as the Leaders of the Free Wold. To their enemies they
were violent psychopaths. To their fans merry mischief makers.
But if one were to ask their
leader, the one known as Boss to the Saints and as 'Mr. President' to
the American Public, they were merely puckish rogues.
Whatever they might be, they
were humanity's last hope. Already the Boss had freed his gang (or her
gang... it really depended on what gender the boss wanted to be at that
point) from Zinyak and was plotting his next move. Little did he realize
that a solution
to their problems waited in the very simulation Zinyak used. Soon, the
Boss would assemble a new crew, made up of the most powerful heroes in
the world... all of whom had been altered to see the Saints' way of life
as the best.
But, I am getting ahead of myself. Our story begins where all stories must begin: with a poker game.
"I'll take two," Johnny Gat
said, laying two cards on the table. The cocky and confident
Second-in-Command of the Saints adjusted his glasses as he looked over
his cards. "You sure you don't want in, Keith?"
Keith David, voice actor,
Vice President, and NOT in any way like Johnny's former boss Julius,
merely continued to look through his Playboy. "I'm good."
"You know, I have read up on
a variation to this game," Cid said. Cid wasn't like the rest of the
Saints; he was a mind that had been placed in a Zin control sphere. He'd
joined the Saints to take revenge on Zinyak for trapping him in the
to the files, the participant who fails to achieve victory with their
cards must remove one of their garments."
"We're not playing strip poker," Shaundi, one of the Boss' oldest allies, said.
"I don't know," Johnny said with a smirk, "I know I'm not
scared to show off my bod-OW!" He shielded himself as Shaundi began to hit
"If we hadn't just gotten you back after thinking you were dead I'd
murder you!" Shaundi shouted.
"Wait a minute," the Boss (who may or may not have sounded like
Nolan North) said, turning to Cid. "How do you know about Strip
"Zinyak gathered much information about Earth and its culture. I was
able to look through the files."
"Zinyak had files on strip poker?" Shaundi asked.
"Indeed. Of course, he only had a little bit about this game. He seemed
to be more interested in your modern mythos as told through colored
"...what?" the Boss said.
"Comic books," Keith stated.
"Yes, the books of comics," Cid said. "He seems to have
spent much time and many of his resources recreating the worlds and characters
of two worlds in particular. According to the data, they are refereed to as the
'DC Universe' and the 'Marvel Universe'. Zinyak spent nearly as much time
creating them as he did creating your Steelport."
The Boss leaned forward, jabbing his finger against the table. "You're
telling me there are other simulations out there... ones were Superman and
Wolverine and Booster Gold and Spider-Man are running around?"
"Indeed," Cid said.
"Booster Gold?" Johnny asked.
"Don't insult Booster," the Boss warned before pushing away from
the table. "KINZIE!"
"Boss, this is a terrible idea," Kinzie said. A former tech for the
FBI, Kinzie had joined the Saints and never looked back.
"I think it is a brilliant idea," Matt Miller, one of the Saints'
former enemies turned member, said. "I should have realized when Zinyak
took control of my Nyteblade scenario-"
"Fan fic, call it what it is," Kinzie complained.
"-that he was a fan of pop culture."
"I'd debate that," Pierce Washington, the spokesman for the Saints,
complained. "He totally ruined my favorite song with his singing."
"And he'll pay for that, Pierce," the Boss aid as he prepared to
enter the Simulation tube. "And this is a great plan. We've been trying to
figure out ways to take down Zinyak and this is a golden opportunity. Playing in
Steelport means we are only able to deal with people we know... and most of
them were people we killed and thus ones we can't trust to give
superpowers too." The Saints had discovered that by hacking into the
Simulation, they could give themselves superpowers and had taken great
advantage of that. The Boss was the strongest of them, possessing super speed,
strength, jumping abilities, fire blasts, ice blasts, and psychic powers. It
had made the battles in the simulation against standard goons rather easy.
"But there are entire communities of superbeings waiting out there that
can help us take down Zinyak!"
Kinzie shook her head. "Ok, assuming that this isn't all a trap... how
do you plan on convincing them to join our side? Last I checked, Batman didn't
condone killing your enemies."
"She has a point," Benjamin King, former leader of the Vice Kings
and now member of the Saints, pointed out. "You're likely to end up having
to fight them."
Johnny laughed, patting the Boss on the back. "Don't worry... I've seen
what the Boss can do and he'll be able to hold his own."
"Besides," Matt said, moving to a keyboard and typing in some
commands, "I think I might have a solution to that. Have any of you read
the erotic fanfictions about the Master PC?"
"Of course not!" Pierce said a bit too quickly.
Matt just gave him a withering glare. "I think I have created something
similar." He turned to the Boss. "I am going to send you some goodies
that will allow you to alter the heroes and villains of the simulations. It
will have them see things... well, from your point of view."
"In other words, he'll be able to turn them in hedonistic psychopaths," Osha, MI6 member and newest Saints' member, said dryly.
"She says that likes it a bad thing," Johnny stated.
"So what... the Boss will be able to walk up to She-Hulk and be able to
"To put it simply, he'll be able to rewrite her mind so that she is
more agreeable to our actions and views. She, or any other hero, will become
the perfect candidates to join the 3rd Row Saints."
"Can I give them bigger tits?" the Boss asked. When the others
looked at him he shrugged. "What, that seems rather important!"
"I will see what I can do," Matt said.
Kinzie shook her head, turning away for the Boss. "I can't believe you
are all encouraging him! For all we know this is a trap created by Zinyak and
even if it isn't, you know the Boss is going to spend half the time there
having sex with as many of the superheros and villains as he can and he already
went into the simulation, didn't he?"
"He entered exactly 1.2 seconds after you turned your back," Cid
"Of course he did."