As Clem came in to the house with Jessica caught up in his strong left arm, all giggles and dove eyed, the boy actually bowed to both Mr and Mrs Howard as he greeted them in a, surprisingly to Diana, polite and formal manner.
“Good Afternoon, Mister Howard… Mrs Howard. Sure nice of ya tah invite me tah yer home this n’ day. My Jessie’s been cooin’ like a turtledove about it, ain’t that right, Hun?”
The bubbly brunette just giggled in a way that was like fingernails on a blackboard to Diana and nuzzled up to Clem even more, “Oh, Darlin’, yer all embarrasin’ me,” said the girl who’d been tongue tickling Vanity Lynn Dixon’s tonsils in public earlier that day.
Diana swallowed the oath to Minerva that wanted to escape her lips and continued her slow slide to the back of the party.
Mr Howard shook Clem firmly by the hand and said, “Now, son, yer know yer always welcome here fer dinner, high tea an’ breakfast any day, now that ya done yer manly duties in our Jessie’s bedroom.”
Mr Howard poked Clem in the ribs playfully.
“Not jus in Jessie’s bedroom, Mr Howard,” Clem guffawed.
“Now if you could only put one in Ruby here, sparin’ me the trouble, ah’d be much obliged,” Mr Howard chuckled.
“Amen ta that, Rog,” declared Trish. “Mrs Tibbet has six gran’chil’ren now an’ ah’ve but one. But he’s a beaut’. Ain’t yer ma lil’ man?” Trish ruffled Henry’s hair and the family all laughed good naturedly.
Diana couldn’t believe her ears at this exchange.
“Sure an if Mrs Howard’s cookin’ weren’t reason enough fer me to come visit,” Clem replied with a broad grin.
“Ah’d give yer more than a cookin’ if’n ah wasn’t tied to this here hansom devil,” Trish said before turning and kissing her husband full on the lips. They held the kiss for an eternity of embarrassment for Diana, who took the time to look around the room and find the others were all looking on the grandparents with glazed eyes and slack smiles.
Something is definitely wrong here, Diana told herself yet again.
The kiss broke like the snap of a hypnotist’s fingers and the group came to ‘life’ once again.
Clem saw Diana.
“Say, Miss, do you by chance drive a blue Caddy? The sedan parked right outside this very house?”
Diana, by now, wanted to snap back: of course I do, whose else would it be? But she found the inner strength to just smile and say, “Why, yes.”
“Well, Miss, Ah have to say you really shouldn’t o’ left the passenger door wide open like that. A’ almost dinged ma’ pride an’ joy on it as ah drove passed,” he indicated out the door to the red pick-up.
Diana was confused and blurted out, “But I didn’t.”
“Well it’s as open as my lover’s legs last night, last ah looked,” Clem said squeezing Jessica round the hips.
“What?” Diana forgot her manners. She turned and strode through the house and out the front door. There was her car and its road side passenger door was just as Clem had said.
Diana dashed down the path and only just remembered not to vault the picket fence but use the gate in her excitement; she’d been robbed!
There was no sign of anyone else on the street.
“Damn it!” she remembered to use a contemporary colloquialism.
“Uff! That ain’t no lady like talk, Miss Prince,” Mr Howard said. For an old man he’d appeared beside her very quickly and his pregnant wife and family were just a step behind. “We run a respectable house of hospitality here an’ ah hope you’ll be able to oblige by moderatin’ your tone somewhat whilst you stay.”
Diana apologised and strode round to the other side of her car, “But someone has been messing with my car.”
“Are you sure?” Mr Howard asked. “cause ah don’t see no-one here to have done no messin’ with anythin’.”
Diana caste her eyes up and down the street again. It was very straight and very empty and she hadn’t been inside that long.
“Did ya open it at all – that there door?” Mr Howard asked strolling around the vehicle with Clem.
“Well… yes. To get my jacket,” Diana replied.
Clem bent from his waist and looked at the door for some time. “No sign of damage tah the lock an’ the windows still up. Can’t say it’s been forced neither,” he eventually said.
“My Clem is trainin’ tah be a deputy,” Jessica piped up.
“Looks tah me, Miss Prince, you jus fergit to close it right an’ it done swung open agin’.”
“Why that happens all the time with ma’ kitchen cupboards,” Trish added from the other side of the car. “’cause that’s jus silly me not closing it right in the first place.”
“I can close a car door,” Diana said firmly. “Look! My overnight bag is gone!”
“I don’t see nuthin’,” drawled Clem.
“Because it’s gone. I’ve been robbed,” Diana said.
“Now, now,” Mr Howard waved down Diana’s accusation, “let’s not be hasty in bandyin’ accusations without a little thinkin’. Now, Miss Prince, you seem tah me tah be a might upset and tired after a days long travel; quite understandable fur a woman no need tah apologise fur that. We quite understand. “
“Heavens, yes!” gasped Trish, “As soon as ah saw her standin’ in our door all done in, like a poor church mouse that ain’t seen a crumb fur weeks, ah jest knew she needed a place to rest an’ a good ol’ Southern meal to buck her up. ‘Put that heavy bag down there’, ah sayed, ‘an’ let ol’ Ma Howard take care of ya, ya silly goose, ah sayed.”
It was lies, all lies, Diana knew but Trish said it like it actually happened.
“Miss Prince had a bag when she called?” Clem asked.
“Why yes. Not a ladies bag ah has to say,” Tracy played with her neck line in a show of disapproval.
“Mystery solved,” said Mr Howard with a wide, lopsided grin and indicated they should all return to the boarding house with a wide sweep of his wrinkled right hand.
“But…” Diana looked round the circle of closed faces and realised she’d waste her breath. Suddenly the thought of sitting down to a full meal with this extended family was unbearable to Diana and she used their deceit against them.
“Oh you’re so right, Mrs Howard. How could I have forgot like that?” Diana shut the door and popped the trunk, “Would a kind gentleman help carry my bags up to my room; I just haven’t the strength, I feel quite faint.”
“Ma’am, it sure would be a pleasure… fur the price a sweet little ol’ kiss,” Clem said with a bow and a twinkle in his eye.
“Oh you are a rogue, Clem,” screeched Jessica, laughing.
“No more o’ that when yer hitched, Son,” Mr Howard scolded playfully.
“Then ah’d betta git as many whilst ah can,” replied Clem.
Diana fumed, there was no way she’d let the adolescent swaggerer kiss her but what else could she do? She couldn’t brush him off; that kind of news would spread round this kind of town in no time and draw unwanted attention to her. It was either here, in front of all these people or… after he’d carried her luggage up to her bedroom. Clem leered figuring he’d outmanoeuvred her but the Amazon warrior had fought a few battles and knew a few tricks of her own.
“Why of course,” she purred, “Clem, isn’t it? I wouldn’t expect to give a gentleman,” she stressed the word, “anything less,” and proffered her left hand to receive it; thank the god’s she’d kept her driving gloves on, “Just like a gentleman should on meeting a lady.”
For a moment Clem was taken aback. His expression: a mix of confusion, lust and shock. None of the Howard women said anything. Then Mr Howard laughed and slapped Clem on his back, hard, “Haw, she got the better of yer there, Boy. Better git what yer can before her arm done drops off from awaitin’ – like a gentleman should. Haw, haw now that’s funny. Now come along, Miss Prince, and we’ll see about puttin’ the strength back in ya.”
Mr Howard shepherded Diana away from the car, followed by his wife, Ruby and Lilly leaving Jessica and Clem to gather the bags and his shattered pride.
Jessica tottered around Diana’s car and fell around his neck like a good little girl should.
“Oh, furgit about that northern stuck-up, Clem,” she cried, “She ain’t got titties worth a damn an’ yud probably freeze yer tongue right off if’n ya’d kissed her cold, mean lips.”
Clem pushed her off him roughly, “can’t yer see I got man’s work ta do, Jess?” he said harshly. He pulled the two travel cases out of the trunk and slammed its lid down hard. “I’ll show that high ‘n’ mighty, Miss Prince, how a woman’s ta behave around here,” he muttered.
“Course yer will, baby,” Jessica said with a nervous tremble in her voice.
“Ah’ll do more than give her a kiss too. She’ll soon change her toon then; offeren’ me a glove!”
“Ma an’ Pa will make her see sense, baby. You know they ain’t failed the church yet”
“Ah knows, Jess, an’ ah’ll pay that dry stick a visit, weddin’ or no, when she’s good an’ ready an’ beggin’ fer a man to have her.”
Jesstica touched Clem gently on the arm, “Not on our weddin’ day, Clem, you promised,” she pouted.
Clem hefted the two bags and grunted noncommittally.
“Don’t fret yer curly locks, Jess. That lass ain’t got it in her to keep me away from ya all our weddin’ night; Hell, an hour tops. Ya can spare an hour to make your hubby happy can’t ya, girl?”
“Ah guess,” Jessica said mealy mouthed. “As long as ya all hurry back fur a real luvvin’ from me,” she added with desperate enthusiasm.