So, what is wrong with this story?

by Shendude - 1/2/2013 2:59 PM

So, last month I started a story, "The Fantastic Four's New Mission". My initial chapter got a five rating and was extended later that day.

About a week later, I extended the extension. This chapter got a one rating and hasn't been expanded.

I'm tyring to figure out what I did wrong. As I see it there are several possibilities:

-I briefly had an M/M scene, which may have turned some people off.

-I had Franklin getting a blowjob from Val, which probably turned some people off.

-I waited too long.

-My writing isn't very good.

-The base concept is unpopular.

Would you folks mind helping me find out A: what I did wrong, and B: how I can revive the story?


RE: So, what is wrong with this story?

by C.King - 1/8/2013 10:58 AM

 I haven't extended cause I have an unreliable muse and work ethic. So yeah...

 Plus I might not have voted. Give me a minute.


RE: So, what is wrong with this story?

by Evva - 1/13/2013 8:18 AM

Being sincere, what turned me off was 3 different elements


1) Val and Franklin doing sex. Pedophilia and sex between teens below 16 years old repel me so I stopped even to check the story. Another point on that scene, they was watching their mom being fucked. 

2)The whole sequence became another useless sex moment. Like there was no reason for the sex, it was..."I am bored, let make sex" and that usually is boring as the hell. Give me a plot to follow and I will be very enthusiastic about the story. 

3)The 3 way sex scene. I never would imagine Ben Grimm fucking any man ass. He is the example of malehood in several aspects and mentally during years he felt himself like a monster not worthy to be saw by anyone outside of his life as a hero. 

Excluding the turning off list there are some things which made me feel there was something missing on this story. The porn world which they went really must be magical, because in a matter of days made a mother lost all the motherly feelings about her kids. That kind of behavior broke my sense of belief at this story. I suggest you think more on the reasons for the sex and the consequences of the changes than simply jump at the sex scenes. 

BTW, Val is waaay more inteligent than her father and she is fucking arrogant about her brother. How she became a fuckinbot without anything on her head?


RE: So, what is wrong with this story?

by Shendude - 1/15/2013 11:48 AM

Thanks for responding guys. Evva, you raise some good points.

Concerning Point One, I totally understand you. It was meant to be super-taboo, reflecting how completely the FF have embraced their new sexual ideology. As I see it, a hypersexualized society would not shield children from sex. I'll grant that I have a perhaps unhealthy fascination with the idea of a boy becoming not only sexually active but sexually dominant at an early age. And yes, there's going to be incest in this story.

Concerning Point Two, could you please elaborate?

Concerning Point Three, yes Ben fucking another man is out of character. So is Sue fucking a woman, or Doctor Doom, or any of the ten thousand other out-of-character things we have these characters do on this site on a regular basis. I'm not sure what you're trying to say with that last clause.

It was months, actually. Long enough for intelligent people to be swayed by a sufficiently attractive belief system. It's not entirely realistic of course, but I'll point you to the whole rest of this site.


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extreme1 - 12/2/2016 6:05 PM
I start a new story and the site goes down...coincidence or the universe giving it's opinion on the story???
gothamalleyviper - 12/2/2016 5:04 PM
We shall see.
colleem - 12/2/2016 1:58 PM
wuhuuuu working again... i bet.... it will be 8 days until the next crash
gothamalleyviper - 11/26/2016 10:08 AM
For world's end Harem, who should be the first to get pregnant?
exidor455 - 11/26/2016 5:45 AM
CorruptionCentral - No problem. Sorry for being snippy! :)
extreme1 - 11/26/2016 12:10 AM
gothamalleyviper, thanks (well really thanks to colleem who suggested that I not reveal every buyer at once). There's a thread on the message board if anyone wants to talk about any ideas or has any feedback.
gothamalleyviper - 11/25/2016 10:53 PM
Interesting start on X-Men Extreme1
CorruptionCentral - 11/25/2016 3:40 PM
Exidor: Didn't think you were having ago. Thought you were feeling unappreciated on CHYOA & thought I would say I'll be adding there but it will take a while.
extreme1 - 11/24/2016 12:57 PM
I gotta agree with exidor, but then again I'm biased because I have two stories and neither have had anything submitted for them. Whereas Gambit the Pimp has had multiple people work on it (something I'm very thankful for).
exidor455 - 11/24/2016 11:56 AM
Not having ago at you CorruptionCentral. I just get the impression that people at CHYOA read stories that the authors put multiple branches into, unlike here where it's more collaborative. I refer to bounce stories back and forth.



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